his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
