if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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