Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Randomize
