i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
