fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
two words...techno handjob
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
