Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Who died my cat blue again?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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