There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
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