i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
