I think I died a long time ago.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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