so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
