I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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