I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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