You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
