I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
we should paint friendship bongs
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