Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
