So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
it hurts more in the daytime
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Randomize
