apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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