And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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