Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
