Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
