you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
