I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
