i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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