I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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