She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
