i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
