Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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