It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
