Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
