tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
