So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Randomize
