she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
