Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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