Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
