I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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