Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
