hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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