He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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