I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
