you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
