im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
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