My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
