getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
false alarm, still single
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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