Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
