i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
