i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
