none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Randomize
