Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
