he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
