please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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