I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
