apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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