mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Randomize
