Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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