You made me cry and you don't even care
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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