I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
