I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize