Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
